Cleansing, later that day: "The horror!!"

At some point during the afternoon of the cleanse, after I'd bolted the "salad in a glass," my stomach started to feel profoundly empty. My head started to hurt, and I got tired. I decided to nap; as I was also dogsitting at my parents' house during the cleanse, I had slept in a bed with a golden retriever, a springer spaniel mix, and my miniature wiener dog. I'm used to my 12-pound dog, but adding those other two big-uns really jacked up my sleep. A nap was definitely in order.

Sometime during what started off being a nap and ended up being a three-hour sleep, my brother came and was knocking at the door. I let him in, heard him peeing, and then he left. I don't recall if I said anything to him. Instead of feeling refreshed post-nap, I felt worse. "Perhaps I just need my allocation of green tea," I said to the dogs, who looked at me blankly, as dogs are wont to do. Sitting in my chair with the green tea, though, I started to feel really cold. My stomach dully ached. It dawned on me that I wasn't going to make it-- not only was I not going to be able to make it through three days, but I wasn't even going to be able to make it through one. I got up to make myself toast and had to lean down on the counter, my head on my hands, willing the toast to be done so I could eat and feel better. I felt the heat rise from deep within my core, my face flush, and beads of sweat form on my forehead as I smeared on the homemade strawberry jam. I'm not kidding; I have never experienced so rapid a turn in physical well-being. I gripped the plate of toast hard into the living room, and was only sitting for a second when I realized what was about to happen.

I'll spare you the details, dear reader. Let me just say that the vomit came so hard and fast that I burst a blood vessel in my eye. When I was done and was miserably chewing my toast, the shock of what had just occurred hit me. I had just made myself vomit by trying to be healthy. Now, what the hell is that supposed to mean? Am I really that unhealthy that when I try to do something good for myself, my body rejects it? I choose to believe that it was too great a shock to my system. When I told my roommate about it, the one who gave me the book with the cleanse, she was positively boggled. "I've heard of people getting weak and having diarrhea, but not puking!" she said. Well then. At least I'm unique.

I'm happy to report that after the toast, I had a diet cream soda and about ten tortilla chips and was essentially good as new. Yesterday I went to a Labor Day picnic and gladly dominated a burger and several different types of salads, and one piece of baklava. Today, still doing good. Perhaps the lesson is that, when I want to eat better, just eat the fruit and veg, don't turn them into juice to subsist on. Perhaps some of you already knew this, but at least I can say that in my lifetime, I tried a cleanse and puked. Now that's an accomplishment.